Grand Gestures

Monday is Valentine's Day.  The day that grand gestures are made- with a capital G.  Grand gestures are great, they warm the heart, create special memories, mark a moment.  But I've come to realize that though they are amazing, stacked up against the little things each day, they will never compare.  When you think about it, people don't get divorced or are friendships lost over grand events, but the slight in the everyday, that's what kills.  The grand may provide the breaking point or temporarily allows for a second chance.  It's the little things, however, that confess the truth.  The little things can give strength bit by bit or create little wounds that hurt and are hard to heal and over time, either a feeling of being bruised all over constantly persists or numbness sets in.  So while I'm greatly appreciative of the grand gestures as on February 14th, day to day kindnesses are the ones that give me reasons to love.

Get a life!

I buy alot of magazines...I mean... alot!  When I go to a bookstore/CVS/Walgreens, my last stop has to be at the magazine stands to see what catches my eye.  I crack open a monthly issue and am drawn into the world of pretty pictures and as I am a very visual person, I find myself in the middle of Wonderland where all my dreams come true.  Well, actually that's not true.  When I look at the pictures a second or third time, the image seems to unravel before my very eyes, and that short held fantasy is no more than a picture on a page.  But still the next pretty picture in the next issue gives me hope that this fantasy may be made real.  I asked myself why?  Why am I chasing these pretty pictures?  My answer, I want to see pictures of the life I dream for myself.  Instead of figuring out my own path, I want to see a ready made template for me to follow.  But as there is no one like me, I never find the absolutely perfect picture.  Just like the idea behind watching the TV or movie, instead of reading the book, I don't want to work at using my imagination.  Wow! How pathetic!  And no wonder I'm so dissatisfied, trying to fit myself into someone else's life, instead of dreaming and doing my own.  But believe me, I'm not the only one (misery loves company)!  At every turn so far this year, I see the areas of me that are not 100.   I didn't make resolutions except to make it a year of me-finding and fine tuning to become 100.  So, today, I am using my imagination and getting myself a life!

The Call of the Wild

Something has been calling my name, beckoning me to go deeper and wander further and there I found a door.  This door is guarded by the darkest of spirits, darting and swirling around me, scaring me half to death.  On the other side of this door I've come to realize is where my true life lies, but there is no other path to get there but where I am today.  Isn't the fear I feel small in comparison to the riches I will be granted once I pass through?  But still I am halted in my steps.  This stage is temporay, I found out, and the fear is all the injuries I've sustained over the years trying in their own way to protect me.  They haven't gotten the news yet that I am stronger than I look and  I've already faced the Devil and come out the other side intact and better prepared.  And this is the reason why I need to keep moving along this journey.  The different parts of myself have not found their common language.  Somewhere down the road, the means of communication will be found.
2011 has begun with ease.  The obstacles and trials have not been removed from my life, but a change in perspective has taken shape.  Where there was clay, now water.  This year has a flow to it.  A path of least resistance no matter the terrain.  Through the good and bad it progresses, carving a path with no preplotted course or specific destination.  The only thing constant about this leg of the journey, is moving forward, meeting and dealing with whatever comes.  Who knows how long it will take, so it is imperative to pack light-take only what is important (faith and tools)and what will nourish (your special food) and leave the rest behind.  To do this work, I sometimes think I need to go away...so I can give it my full attention.  But wisdom tells me that this is not the way.  I have to live in both places and meet the requirements of both in order to fully experience the whole.  The pressure from both sides produces the gem.  The Wild Within.